If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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