well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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