I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
