just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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