I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
