so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
