Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
