a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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