I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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