she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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