I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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