Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
