If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He felt like a one man threesome
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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