They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
