We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
