you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
And then he peed in my hair
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