It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
