I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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