He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
