Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
