No stitches, just platelets and will power
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
