Having a random hookup so left but love u
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
