Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
