Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
