you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
