I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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