I can tuck mytits in my pants
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
