If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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