I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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