when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
