there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
