She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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