K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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