i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
