Cold hands, warm shart.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
