i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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