she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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