Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
