So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
