I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
