I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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