bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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