You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
