The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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