You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
