I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
