singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
two words...techno handjob
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
