i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
