i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
