remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
