My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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