let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
