If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
