I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
