so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
