see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
