Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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