Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
