My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
