You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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